I think I might be tired

This is a conversation from last night:

Matt (holding a sleeping Baby Girl): I want to put her down, but I think she'll wake up.
Me: I don't know what that word means.
Matt: What?
Me: Uhhh... I mean, yeah put her down.

In explanation, I answered his question with what I was looking at (a word on a photography blog) instead of the answer I meant to give him. Have you ever been able to think about one thing while talking about another? I can... usually.

I think those days may be over for me.

Sleep and other elusive beasts

I love making lists, so here's my list of things that have almost disappeared from my life since having Evie:

• Sleep
• So, even though Baby Girl sleeps pretty well at night, she still gets up at least two times, but usually three. I have never slept so little in my life. Well, maybe when I was in seminary, but at least I got a break on the weekends.
• Long showers
• I love taking long, hot showers. Especially in the winter months. It's my "me" time. I get to stand there and soak up the warmth and enjoy the water beating on my back. It's my daily therapy and I miss it!
• Free hands
• Baby girl will sometimes play by herself on her back and be fine, but mostly she wants to be up on my shoulder and will start wailing if I put her down. I've tried putting her in the moby wrap and a sling type carrier, but she doesn't like either of them. But on the other hand (arr arr, get it?) I'm getting better at doing things one handed.
• My clothes
• Even though I weigh much less now than I did before I got pregnant, my shape has changed. Therefore, most of my clothes don't fit me anymore. I'm really sad to see some of the pieces go, but mostly I'm frustrated that I have to start my wardrobe from scratch again. (I'm also frustrated by the stubborn belly flub that won't go away)

But even though I really miss all of these things, I wouldn't trade Baby Girl for any of it. I have loved watching her grow and can't get enough of this face these days.

 

PPD

So, at the risk of over-sharing (some people say I have a problem with this), I wanted to share with you my struggle with post-partum depression.

Around the first of the year, I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. The atmosphere in my house had not been good since I had the baby. I am NOT a crier. And yet I found myself crying all day long. And not just a few tears, I'm talking about body-wracking sobs accompanied by panic attacks and wishing I could give my baby away. I was not instantly in love with this little person who entered my life and I was definitely not sold on the idea of motherhood. And all of that made me feel so guilty that I cried all that much harder. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to hold the baby. I fed her out of obligation (and Matt's persistent "nudging"), and I had trouble sleeping aside from the fact that baby girl never sleeps any way. In short, I ceased being able to function. I just felt so sad and helpless all the time and nothing anybody said could change that. And on top of everything, I was completely exhausted.

I'm on medication now and it's starting to get a lot better. I don't instantly dissolve into a puddle when I can't get Baby Girl to stop crying and I feel like I can handle my life now (mostly). It'll be a few weeks before the drugs fully kick in, but I feel good about the decision to call my doctor and get some help. I was choosing to be happy, even if the happy took a little while to kick in.

And the hero of this story is Matt. If he hadn't been there, I'm not sure both Baby Girl and I would have made it. He made sure I ate, bathed, put on clean under-roos, and took Baby Girl most of the time. If I wasn't feeding her, she was in his arms. He did everything and never complained once. Now I know why it is that Heavenly Father says that children need a mother AND and father. It's because some of us can't do it alone. I also have a greater respect for single parents. Their lives are rough.

All in all, even though I'm still exhausted, can't seem to get things done around the house and I generally feel like I'm trying to climb up the down escalator, I'm ok with it. I realize that this is just a phase and I'm trying to focus on the positives, rather than all the things that suck.

And now I can't seem to kiss Baby Girl's face enough (which she hates).

Photo by jadesweetdreams

One Month Old...

I cannot believe I am writing this post already. Baby Girl (as she is known in this house) is one month old yesterday. Seriously, when did that happen?!

Mommy-daughter cuddle time

Mere moments after birth. She's so tiny!

I have realized that I am not going to be one of those mom's who dresses up her daughter. Maybe part of it is that she doesn't fit in her 0-3 month old clothes at all and I refuse to buy more newborn sized clothes (because they'll only fit her a few more days). So pretty much she has one outfit that fits her, pictured here,

here,

here,

and here.

Baby girl does not sleep much. She averages somewhere between 10-11 hours in a 24 hour period, although I will say that most of that sleep is through the night. She will usually go right back to sleep after waking up to eat between the hours of midnight and 8 AM (thank goodness!). So at least there's that.

Love those sleep smiles

How come you can't be like this more often, baby girl?

Also, she's got crazy neck control. I blame/credit Matt for this. He isn't very good at supporting her head and so she's had to learn to do it on her own. Other milestones include her first real smile (it was so sweet!), her umbilical stump finally falling off at three weeks, and blasting past her birth weight at her 1 week check up. As of Tuesday, she weighed 8 lbs 13 oz. Go Baby Girl! You get that 47th percentile!

At the doctor's office

Chillin' with Dad

Truman is adjusting to her quite well. His first reaction was to run away when she started crying, but now he'll sniff her if Matt brings her close enough to him, even when she's crying. So far, I'm hopeful about their relationship.

I didn't quite catch it, but when I started taking the picture, all of them had their eyes closed.

All in all, I'm totally in love with this crying, poop machine and cannot kiss her face enough.

But seriously, though... Stop growing Baby Girl.