Around the first of the year, I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. The atmosphere in my house had not been good since I had the baby. I am NOT a crier. And yet I found myself crying all day long. And not just a few tears, I'm talking about body-wracking sobs accompanied by panic attacks and wishing I could give my baby away. I was not instantly in love with this little person who entered my life and I was definitely not sold on the idea of motherhood. And all of that made me feel so guilty that I cried all that much harder. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to hold the baby. I fed her out of obligation (and Matt's persistent "nudging"), and I had trouble sleeping aside from the fact that baby girl never sleeps any way. In short, I ceased being able to function. I just felt so sad and helpless all the time and nothing anybody said could change that. And on top of everything, I was completely exhausted.
I'm on medication now and it's starting to get a lot better. I don't instantly dissolve into a puddle when I can't get Baby Girl to stop crying and I feel like I can handle my life now (mostly). It'll be a few weeks before the drugs fully kick in, but I feel good about the decision to call my doctor and get some help. I was choosing to be happy, even if the happy took a little while to kick in.
And the hero of this story is Matt. If he hadn't been there, I'm not sure both Baby Girl and I would have made it. He made sure I ate, bathed, put on clean under-roos, and took Baby Girl most of the time. If I wasn't feeding her, she was in his arms. He did everything and never complained once. Now I know why it is that Heavenly Father says that children need a mother AND and father. It's because some of us can't do it alone. I also have a greater respect for single parents. Their lives are rough.
All in all, even though I'm still exhausted, can't seem to get things done around the house and I generally feel like I'm trying to climb up the down escalator, I'm ok with it. I realize that this is just a phase and I'm trying to focus on the positives, rather than all the things that suck.
And now I can't seem to kiss Baby Girl's face enough (which she hates).
Photo by jadesweetdreams
I was the same way when Cadence was first born! I really felt like I had made a mistake and wished that there was some way I could take back the whole deal. Meds sure do make life a whole lot better!
ReplyDeleteThey sure do! I'm glad I'm not the only mom who wanted to renege on the whole baby thing!
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