Catharsis

So I originally titled this post “ New directions part 2” because of the first piece of information. But then I got rolling and I couldn’t stop typing. This post is mainly me venting my frustrations and fears. But you know what, I learned a little something about myself and I realized that maybe you might get something out of it too. This is a long post so I’ll put my catharsis after the jump.

Ummmm..... I have some news. I can't decide if it's good or bad. I'm a little ashamed which should mean it's bad, but I'm kind of glad too which makes it kind of good. I just can't decide. I'll let you all be the judges. So here it is:

I quit my job.

Without going into all the details, let's just say that there was no way around it. I believe I left on amiable terms and I probably could get a recommendation letter from them if needed, but it wouldn't be my first choice I think.

So here I am, the same place I was last year at this time, directionless and unemployed. I am not trying to throw a pity party or anything, but I honestly feel like I'm the only one suffering from this sometimes!

I know that jobs are harder to find these days, but I think one of my problems is that I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life! I have a degree which is a bonus, but honestly I'm not sure I want to go further into nutrition. I enjoyed my classes (mostly the food science ones) but I don't know that I want to be a dietitian.

I'm struggling with the fact that I'm 25 and it seems like everyone else around me at the very least knows what they want in life, if they aren't already doing it. I feel like I'm standing at the end of a road with a wide expanse of possibilities in front of me. I could go any direction I wanted and the incredible amount of choice scares me to death.

Aren't I supposed to be doing something with my life? I feel like working in retail for the rest of my life would be letting myself down; like I'm not living up to my potential. And I'm scared of letting my parents down. I know they love me and will support me even if I decided to sell tie-dyed shirts out the back of a van while dancing around, banging a tambourine. But there is so much pressure with both my sister having her PharmD and my brother doing so well in school and working up the ladder at his job. I feel like I'm the only one who isn't being a productive member of society. It's like I've hit a brick wall. I know there must be more on the other side, but I don't know what and it's driving me mad.

I know I should be grateful that I don’t have to take a job because I have to in order to survive. I’m grateful that I’m married and that there is someone to support me financially and emotionally. But let’s face it: most guys are emotionally constipated and my husband is no exception. I love him dearly and he has his moments, but he’s a realist to the core. He doesn’t do well with the “It’ll be alright” speech. It’s also really hard to lean on someone when they’re hardly ever there. Talking on the phone is good, but it doesn’t compare to actually being physically close to someone. I hate that Matt’s gone all the time, but it’s the way things are right now and there’s not much else to be done.

I've always struggled with making choices. Even the stupid little ones like what kind of toothpaste to buy. Have you ever really looked at the astounding choices available in toothpaste? There are so many different kinds claiming all sorts of effects. "Whitens teeth" or "Reduces tooth sensitivity". Have you ever seen just plain toothpaste? Me neither.

Toothpaste aside, I think I need to figure out a way to whittle my choices down to three. Picking from three different options is better than picking from 25 or 100. Right? I just don't know how to do that.

Well, I think my rant is done. It's good to just get it out there, even if no one reads this. I highly doubt anybody made it through this post to the end and if you did, well, thanks for listening. I may not know who you are, but thank you for sharing my fears and anxieties. I needed it. I didn’t write this post to garner anyone’s pity, but to scream at the proverbial universe in frustration. I know I'll land on my feet.

I always do.